a newspaper man adjusts his pen

Friday, December 12, 2008

All Big Girl wants from Santa (is this shirtless man)

Matthew-McConaughey-fl03, originally uploaded by yourillusion2002.

Dear Santa,

I know you’re supposed to have the whole “naughty or nice” list going, but because I doubt those documents are considered public under Pennsylvania’s open records laws, I really have no way of knowing which one I’ve landed on.

One of my podmates, Scott Beveridge, alluded to the fact that I may have been more “naughty” than “nice” this year. OK, yeah, maybe I was a little harsh this year to people such as Pamela Anderson and Howie Mandel on this blog. But I swear, I didn’t mean to be mean!

I’m not going to lie to you, Santa: I think I deserve some presents this year. And because people everywhere are scaling back on their Christmas wish lists, you may notice that I’ve been more conservative in my requests this year.

Here goes:

1. A pimped-out Escalade. I’m not gonna be picky – I don’t care what color you pick out. While I own a fuel-efficient Toyota Yaris, I think a big honkin’ SUV would really give me more street cred. When I make my drive from my humble abode on Neville Island to my humble cube in Washpa, I can’t help but notice all the Herculean vehicles rolling by me. My driving instructor taught me to signal my intent to turn, stay a few car lengths back and check my blind spot before changing lanes, but I’ve begun to notice that the bigger the car, the less you seemingly have to obey these traffic rules. So, I figure if I can procure a badass Escalade, I would be a lot less stressed on the road because I wouldn’t have to bother with such things as “turn signals” and “giving the finger” because I would finally be one of the Big Girls on the road! And with gas prices back at a “reasonable" level, I can afford to be less thrifty, right? It’s the American Way, after all.
2. My own reality show. Hey, Andy Warhol did say something about everyone getting their 15 minutes of fame, eh? I can’t act, dance or sing. But that doesn’t mean I’m not a triple threat in my own way, right? After all, I CAN swear like a sailor, be sarcastic and start drama. And if THAT doesn’t qualify me to star in my own series, I really don’t know what other criteria there is. Sure, there would have to be some awesome stunts, guest stars or world travel for me to get a deal with one of the big three: ABC, NBC or CBS. But like I said, I know that America is in a recession, and I’m trying not to ask for anything extravagant. I’m talking more “Flavor of Love” than “Survivor.” I would suggest a working title if I could, but “Gillooly of Love” just doesn’t make any sense…
3. Matthew McConaughey. I know he’s a babydaddy to some Brazilian goddess, but surely, you’ve pulled off more tricky Christmas miracles, right? It’s not like I’m trying to be a home-wrecking wench. If that was the case, I would have certainly asked for Ben Affleck to be placed strategically in my bed…er…under my Christmas tree this year. But I don’t want to be that girl, as it were. So I’ll settle for Matthew. I can almost see him running shirtless on Grand Avenue now…but he’d have to start drinking better beer. I can stand for a lot of things, but not Budweiser. It’s Blue Moon, Sam Adams Summer Ale or no dice. Sorry, but that’s a deal breaker for me. Even if he is one of the hottest guys in the universe. Hey, a girl’s gotta have standards.

That’s it, Santa. I hope I didn’t ask for too much. If you need any clarification on the gifts, just give me a ring. I’ll be around.

Warmest Regards,

Amanda “who needs a white Christmas?” Gillooly

PS – If some dude calling himself The Old Man contacts you about any reported “mooning,” please be advised that this allegation has never been proven in a court of law. I know you live on the North Pole and everything, so I’m just really hoping you dig our whole “innocent until proven guilty” thing.

No comments: