Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Sarah, just add some Spice
Dear Sarah Palin,
When I saw the overweight Yinzer sporting a boa for God-only-knows what reason during one of your rallies around here last weekend I shuddered before the words could even come out of her piehole. The sound byte on the news sounded something like this:
“OH MY GOD! I LOVE Sarah Palin! She’s speaking for all us women and she’s FINALLY breaking that glass window for us ONCE and for ALL!”
Now, Sarah, I know I don’t know you. And you certainly don’t know me. But I think you should know just this one thing – I’ve never needed anyone to speak for me. And that glass ceiling? Well, I’ll take that on myself, thank you. Amanda Gillooly doesn’t need a rookie Republican governor to wield any big-ass sledgehammer for her.
And besides, you majored in broadcast news anyway. So I doubt you have the qualifications to help break any such sort of thing in the newspaper biz.
You’ve been milking the female vote for months (not literally, thank God. Or at least not YET) and I’ve sat by, quietly stewing over the utterly asinine things your supporters are spewing. Oh how you’re a champion of the anti-abortion cause because you’re supporting your daughter through her teen pregnancy! Oh how you show what a woman can ACCOMPLISH in this world! You, too, can be a failed sports TV news anchor who has ruled in that tundra for what, about two years?
And I guess your education reform should be examined for the cutting-edge quality. Bristol’s baby-daddy, I heard, just dropped out of high school. Would you suggest that for all would-be dads, or just the one’s whose in-laws may live in the White House on the tax payers’ dime?
Or then again, that might be more indicative on your abstinence-only education stance. I thought, apparently erroneously, that it might be proactive to teach kids about options like condoms and birth control. I bet that choice would have been easier for Bristol than keeping the baby while thrust into the national spotlight, giving up the baby in the national spotlight or having an (brace yourself for it…it’s a right-wing no-no) abortion.
But, girlfriend (if I may call you that) I think I have some suggestions on how to most effectively court that Boob vote, if you will. In fact, I think you and Johnny have been barking up the wrong proverbial tree when it comes to implementing music into your campaign.
You’ve tried Van Halen’s “Right Now,” and that worked like a charm. If by “charm” of course, you mean getting a nasty response from the band asking you to cease and desist.
Then you guys started using Jackson Browne’s “Running on Empty.” Now, considering the dismal approval numbers for you to “mavericks” I think that it’s pretty damn appropriate. But my man Jackson Browne didn’t seem to agree.
And Heart’s “Barracuda?” Huh? All I could think of is the WDVE song, “Tins of Tuna.” NG (NO GOOD, if you’re not hip to the slang, Sarah).
So here are some suggestions. I think they’d really help you hone in that demographic you’ve been seeking. Perhaps the Cheetah Girls classic,” Girl Power” would help rally the, er, troops. Or better yet, how about some good old Spice Girls?
They did say some really existential stuff (And I personally consider Baby Spice up there with Ralph Waldo Emerson and Rainer Maria Rilke in my top three most inspirational people).
I can see it now: You’re introduced to a rabid crowd of supporters, the lights come up and the Spice Girls begin crooning “Channel Five”:
“Welcome to a brand new station…
Tune in now for a new generation…
Guaranteed to be the new sensation….
Who said? The spice girls…
Take if from us, it’s GIRL POWER!”
Hey, it’s just a thought.
Amanda “I just yakked on myself” Gillooly
(Photo courtesy of Observer-Reporter photographer Celeste Van Kirk)