a newspaper man adjusts his pen

Monday, July 28, 2008

Don't give Foote the boot

(Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Larry Foote takes down Washington Redskins running back Ladell Betts on Nov. 28, 2004. Photo by Greg Tarr.)

Dear Larry Foote,

Yes, I am a reporter. But I’m not writing to you as one now. I’m no Dale Lolley or Pittsburgh Post-Gazette sports writer Ed Bouchette. My name is Amanda Gillooly, and I’m simply writing as a fan.

The first time I saw you play I was getting loaded in Virginia Beach while on vacation in 2004. It was a preseason game, and nobody knew who the hell you were. You seemingly came out of nowhere and blindsided the quarterback.

My cousin, who knows the name, height, weight, eye color and underwear preference of every Steeler, was finally stumped. The QB’s ass barely hit the turf when said cousin jumped off the couch and said something to this effect: “Holy (expletive deleted)! Did you see that play? Who is that dude? Larry Foote?”

In true Yinzer form, he totally massacred your name. But you have been lovingly referred to as “My Man Footay” ever since. That’s why I felt compelled to write. I’ve heard all the stuff about rookie Lawrence Timmons whose talent in the draft pedigree might send you to the sidelines. And I’m not going to lie to you, Larry (if I can call you Larry): I don’t like your attitude.

Seems to me like you are resigned to getting less time on the field, and as fan, I think you need a mental check. In fact, I think you need to press up. Hard core.

I’m not going to say I’m psychic. I know I’d sound like a nut if I did. But I will admit to you that I’ve had a vision.

It’s the 4th quarter and the Steelers are playing the hated New England Patriots. Quarterback Tom Brady drops back for a pass, looking for Randy Moss. Unfortunately, you chewed up his line and hit him like a freight train. The momentum of the hit sends you both into the Patriots’ sideline, toppling coach Bill Belichick and causing his floppy comb-over to come undone.

OK. That wasn’t a vision, it’s just wishful thinking on my part (actually, I just wanted you to take out Brady. It was my podmate, Mike "Jimmy" Jones, who has it out for Belichick). I guess I’m just trying to say that you make Steelers football more fun to watch. Indeed, while some proclaim Big Ben or Hines Ward their favorite, I cite No. 50 every time.

Here’s to a bitchin’ season. I hope to see you kicking ass and taking names.

Warmest Regards,

Amanda “I love quarterback sacks” Gillooly

1 comment:

Scott Beveridge said...

As long as you don't start stalking Foote, it'll be OK