Travel with a Beveridge: A perky sale offer

Friday, February 20, 2009

A perky sale offer

boob job fund, originally uploaded by littleREDelf.

Dear Doctor’s Say Yes executives,

It’s hard out there for a B+ cup. Especially when everywhere you turn there are perky, perfect C-cups (or more) staring you in the face. Women like me are sort of becoming the VCRs of sexuality – we’re being phased out quickly by the ease and affordability of breast augmentation surgery much like the DVD made the VCR obsolete.

I’ll admit, I’m tempted to get a boob job every time I see Say Yes ads splashed in Cosmopolitan and Us Weekly magazines. While I’m happy with my particular set, I’m always trying to be a better version of myself. And sometimes I think upgrading to a nice, full C would suit me nicely. So, believe me: Your ads guaranteeing financing for everyone really tempted me for a few moments.

Then I see the newest advertisement boasting 25 percent off any procedure and the bust line of my dreams keeps coming into clearer focus. I’m already this awesome with my current mammaries so I’m sure that awesomeness level would increase by 12 percent with a lift. Then I think better of it, and it isn’t because of any moral or ethical issues.

Nah, it’s because I know a few chicas who have undergone the procedure, and despite their magnificent melons, they told me a few secrets about the whole ordeal that makes me a little uncomfortable.

For one, the life of an implant is about 10 years. I’m 28 now, and if I’m doing my math right, by the time I hit 38, I’ll likely need to have those puppies replaced. Your ad does not specify if the replacements also will be 25 percent off.

One particular friend also told me that she had to affix a belt around her bosoms and “exercise” her new found glory. I think it had something to do with keeping scar tissue at bay to keep the boobs from feeling like plastic tomatoes. I have a difficult enough time getting the rest of my body into the gym, so I just can’t commit to another routine right now.

So, I’m kindly asking that you keep me posted about any future discounts. DVD players were expensive at first too, but now you can pick one up cheap. Yeah, 25 percent off is a good deal, but BOGO is better – buy one, get one free.

That’s an offer I wouldn’t be able to pass up.

Warmest Regards,

Amanda “my cups don’t runneth over” Gillooly

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WELCOME TO NOWHERE

Scott Beveridge grew up in Webster, Pa., a village along the Monongahela River that experienced one of worst environmental nightmares in the United States. His family moved there in 1960 about the same time the nearby zinc and steel mills ceased production. Those mill furnaces were to blame for the damages that awoke America to the dangers of air pollution. After their demise, the grass and trees began to return to the barren landscape that appeared as if it belonged on the moon. His short stories about that adventure appear under these links: Introduction: The warning signs were there

Part 1: Where the houses turned black - The murders killed our reputation - Steel wives were desperate - A cantankerous boom town - Dying for fresh air - A railroad to disaster

Part 2: Bad boys of Webster - The seedy side of town - Swept out the door - A storm was brewing - The search for plant life - Little hope for Donora - Another mill folds

Scott sends dirty clothes home when on the road

If you are like him when you travel, your clothes seem to take up more space in your suitcase after you have worn them. Take a tip from Scotty and mail yourself a package home filled with those dirty socks, underwear and T-shirts after you have been on the road for five or six days. You can buy a box and enough postage at the post office for less than $15. Postal workers seem to get a kick out of the idea, and they will even help you fold your box and tape it closed, too. Seek out a post office in a small town, where the workers have more time to gossip, while driving to a tourist destination. Now, you have room in your carryon to cart home your souvenirs, without having to worry about them getting broken or flown to St. Louis when your switchover is aiming for Pittsburgh.

He also hates road warriors; prefers to chill on down time

The successful traveler packs a personality blessed with patience and some understanding of the road.

Scott says do everyone a favor and STAY HOME if you are an anal retentive, control freak who spends far too much time complaining about life. When traveling, folks always take the risk of flight delays and cultural misunderstandings, or having companions who don’t wear watches or luggage and could land in Macon, Ga., when they are flying to Istanbul.

So keep a book or two in your carryon in case you are stuck in the airport in Haiti while rebels are burning tires in the streets and preventing the pilot from reaching the cockpit of your plane. That bag should also carry any prescription drugs you need, deodorant and toothpaste, along with a toothbrush, clean pair of underwear and T-shirt.

When you arrive, please don't linger in your hotel room. Go outside to meet interesting people. You can sleep when you get home.

Always take a moment to sit down and remove your shoes, like the old man in Hanoi, who is shown in the above photograph at the Temple of Literature in Hanoi.

And before you fly overseas, please check with the U.S. Department of State to find out which countries hate Americans the most.