a newspaper man adjusts his pen

Friday, February 20, 2009

A perky sale offer

boob job fund, originally uploaded by littleREDelf.

Dear Doctor’s Say Yes executives,

It’s hard out there for a B+ cup. Especially when everywhere you turn there are perky, perfect C-cups (or more) staring you in the face. Women like me are sort of becoming the VCRs of sexuality – we’re being phased out quickly by the ease and affordability of breast augmentation surgery much like the DVD made the VCR obsolete.

I’ll admit, I’m tempted to get a boob job every time I see Say Yes ads splashed in Cosmopolitan and Us Weekly magazines. While I’m happy with my particular set, I’m always trying to be a better version of myself. And sometimes I think upgrading to a nice, full C would suit me nicely. So, believe me: Your ads guaranteeing financing for everyone really tempted me for a few moments.

Then I see the newest advertisement boasting 25 percent off any procedure and the bust line of my dreams keeps coming into clearer focus. I’m already this awesome with my current mammaries so I’m sure that awesomeness level would increase by 12 percent with a lift. Then I think better of it, and it isn’t because of any moral or ethical issues.

Nah, it’s because I know a few chicas who have undergone the procedure, and despite their magnificent melons, they told me a few secrets about the whole ordeal that makes me a little uncomfortable.

For one, the life of an implant is about 10 years. I’m 28 now, and if I’m doing my math right, by the time I hit 38, I’ll likely need to have those puppies replaced. Your ad does not specify if the replacements also will be 25 percent off.

One particular friend also told me that she had to affix a belt around her bosoms and “exercise” her new found glory. I think it had something to do with keeping scar tissue at bay to keep the boobs from feeling like plastic tomatoes. I have a difficult enough time getting the rest of my body into the gym, so I just can’t commit to another routine right now.

So, I’m kindly asking that you keep me posted about any future discounts. DVD players were expensive at first too, but now you can pick one up cheap. Yeah, 25 percent off is a good deal, but BOGO is better – buy one, get one free.

That’s an offer I wouldn’t be able to pass up.

Warmest Regards,

Amanda “my cups don’t runneth over” Gillooly

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