a newspaper man adjusts his pen

Monday, January 26, 2009

My first 'Monster' million

An open letter by Amanda Gillooly

Dear Producers of the “Monster” CD collections,

I’ve been a faithful viewer of your program-length infomercials for years, although the collections you’ve peddled so far aren’t really my style. “Monster Ballads” was just a little too mature for me. I was too young to consider any of the musicians in Extreme hotties, and I couldn’t name one love song Mr. Big ever crooned.

As for “Monsters of Rock?” I’ll admit, I dig Living Colour a bit and there are some Alice Cooper songs that are pretty bitchin'. But I never thought the likes of Winger, Warrant and Ratt were “rock” as much.

So I thought about it, and I consulted my pal Sam Adams, and I think I have an idea that will help you sell records. My goal is much more humble: I’m just trying to make my first million.

Picture it: “Monster Cowbell.” I’ve long been a fan of the instrument, but I won’t deny that Will Farrell’s portrayal of the cowbell player in the infamous Saturday Night Live skit that reminisced about the making of “Don’t Fear the Reaper” lended it national appreciation.

The befro’d comedian, wearing a too-tight V-neck sweater rocked out with the thing, gyrating maniacally as the other members of Blue Oyster Cult tried in earnest to cut the track.

The skit, while it made me collapse a lung laughing like a fool, also made me think of the beauty that is inherent to the under-utilized instrument – and how it has brought so much unbridled joy to the world through the plethora of songs that feature it.

So I hereby present to you, dear producers, with a sampling of proposed track list.

Here goes:
“Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” BTO
“Breaking the Law” Judas Preist
“Life’s Been Good” Joe Walsh
“Honky Tonk Woman" The Rolling Stones

Is that too old school? Gotcha. Here are some newer hits:
“Welcome to the Jungle” Guns ‘n Roses
“Pets” Porno for Pyros
“The Distance” Cake
“My Sharona” The Knack

Need something to grove to? I got you for that, too. How about something like:
“Groove is in the Heart” Dee Lite
“Funky Cold Medina” Ton Loc
“Play that Funky Music” Wild Cherry
“Baby’s Got Back” Sir Mix a Lot

Personally, I believe that “Monster Cowbell” will have us both blowing our noses with C-notes we’ll be so filthy rich. Let me know what you think, and if a corporate jet might come with any record deal.

Thank you for your time.

Warmest Regards,

Amanda “I’d like an oversized check, please” Gillooly

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